Satire: Plants = Mind control

You need to get rid of every plant in your house RIGHT NOW


Blake Jocuns

This was the last government spy I had before I disposed of it properly

Blake Jocuns, Copy editor

Many young people have begun taking care of plants over quarantine, and any YouTube search for plants will bring up thousands of channels showing convenient, cheap and rare plants. However, when looking deeper, videos titled My Plant Addiction – can you have too many plants? certainly cause concern. There are even videos of people giving a 750+ house plant tour, which is an outrageous number of plants for anyone to have.

The first concerning aspect of this plant craze is how the video My Plant Addiction was posted in 2019 and only got 4,600 views despite the fact that the account who posted the video has 72,000 followers. On top of that, videos like How to Propagate Succulents the easy way have 284,000 views despite being posted back in 2015.

Since YouTube is a massive entertainment platform with 2.3 million users worldwide, it raises suspicion when an informative video like these have far lower than average views. Why is this video being suppressed to the public when YouTube lets actually misleading and dangerous content slide?

With all the influence that YouTube has, it wouldn’t be far fetched if the government got cozy with the Marvel. The only reason the Feds would do so much work to keep this addiction quiet is if it was actually a real thing. Maybe this plant addiction is an actual issue, and what better way than to make it work through caffeine.

The National Library of Medicine claims that 90% of adults in the U.S. have a caffeine addiction, and as we all know, caffeine comes from a variety of plants. The majority of plants, however, do not produce caffeine, but all plants produce chloroplast. Because of this, your house plants are able to use the chloroplast that you have consumed with caffeine (tea leaves, coffee grounds). By doing this they subdue your subconscious brain into receiving authority better. The reason the government uses caffeine, however, is because the stimulating effects of caffeine null your ability to recognize these symptoms. 

House plants specifically, are better at mind control because of the vibrational signals that the government uses, bounce off the walls of your house, causing the signal between plant and brain to be stronger. 

NO house plant is safe for you to have because, for all you know, the government could be using this mind controlling technique to spy on you in your house. 

Every plant you buy from the store, every little cutting your friends give you to propagate, is tapping into your brain’s need for caffeine and using it against you. No one is safe.

The only thing that will be able to keep you safe from the government’s green thumb of influence is to throw out or burn all your house plants and avoid all households with indoor plants at all costs. Heed this message as a warning because the government doesn’t care for you, and every plant you see, will kill you.