Valentine’s Day: The day of broke, heartbroken singles – Satire

We need to accommodate the single underdogs

Rachel Neathery, Copy Editor

A salty student sends a snap of their depressive state from the arena of couples flaunting their love at school.
(Illustrated by Rachel Neathery)

Ecstasy blossoms in the air as lovebirds fly over the harsh truths that come with being single hidden below. As a taken person now, I express my deep regret to the inferno of singles left to their own devices when that sappy time of year rolls around: Valentine’s Day.

As one of the top 15 widely celebrated holidays, Valentine’s Day is notoriously known as a day where couples get the free pass to flaunt their romance—it’s all sparkles and sunshine until you also really consider the harsh implications this has on the singles on a global scale… and there are many dark secrets to spill. 

The first thing that hits you in the face is when you go into a Walmart in January and see the lovey-dovey propaganda of cards filling the shelves. We all know what stores are really doing though: stocking items on their shelves to make big banks of money off of love early. It’s actually a psychological mind game that big corporations are trying to push on singles by playing with their hearts and brainwashing them to fall in love, all in an attempt to get them to buy their mass-produced products. I am most definitely not a conspiracy theorist, so you can 100% trust me on this one.

Financial obligations also put singles at a huge disadvantage, because according to the Consumer Expenditure Survey, single people have to pay more expenses for housing and taxes compared to those in a relationship. Coupled with the fact that the estimated cost of housing in America is going up, this increases their problems tenfold. It is extremely unfair how couples can be wasteful with their expenses by buying gifts, while untaken people will end up drowning in debt. How are they supposed to cope with this clear disadvantage? Now singles are forced to be both broke and heartbroken simultaneously, further proof that society has a clear vendetta against the loners.

But wait, there’s more. The official definition of Valentine’s Day is “the celebration of love and affection”—have we forgotten about preaching self-love? Why not spend that love on myself? 

According to the National Library of Medicine, singles are reported to have higher rates of depression, anxiety and mood disorders than those in romantic relationships. But if Valentine’s Day pushes the rhetoric that romantic love is more important than self-love, singles are now stuck endlessly sulking because they don’t have self-esteem from all the burdens they already face in the first place. This holiday is marginalizing the feelings of the oppressed by detracting the self-worth of the singles, and we seriously need to do something about it or else it’ll stay like this forever.

This holiday is marginalizing the feelings of the oppressed by detracting the self-worth of the singles

— Rachel Neathery

Third and most importantly, there are a plethora of ways that Valentine’s Day can make you unhappy. One of them is the fact that couples advertise their love and constantly remind people on this day that they’re single. If seeing people in love makes single people sad, why does society condone it? This is just the grand plot of the couples to cause a depression epidemic amongst the singles. 

We cannot let this oppressive behavior go unnoticed as couples continue to push this agenda, so it’s only fair to say that they deserve to repent for their tyranny of forcing financial instability and depression on the singles. That’s why it’s no coincidence that all these interconnected problems are stemming from the loveliest time of the year.