Satire: 5 tips to fight summer boredom

We spend so much time in school. We’re there at least from 8:10 a.m. to 2:55 p.m. every weekday of the school year. As students, and probably teachers, we plan our days around school and suddenly, when the year’s over, we have a massive time vacuum to fill. 

Crippling boredom is a natural struggle most students face as a result of extensive amounts of free time and “Phineas and Ferb” said it best when they sang “the annual problem of our generation is finding a good way to spend it.” So in the interest of public service, I’ll take you through a typical 24-hour period (because calling it a ‘day’ would be generous) in the life of Delaney Brooks on summer break in complete detail; now and then sprinkling in some of my favorite tips. 

We’ll start around 4:30 a.m. This is when I spontaneously stur from my slumber, either with a task that I feel needs to be completed immediately, three or four words of a song stuck in my head or an ingenious idea that I must record before it escapes me. Once I’ve completed my task, entertained my ear worm or recorded the cure for cancer in three easy steps, I attempt to return to my dreams. This is normally a 30-to-90-minute-long affair. 

Fast-forward to noon-ish, when I awake next, feeling entirely dehydrated and either in the best mood of my life, or absolutely irritated. I then ponder the origins of whatever extreme emotion I’m experiencing, while also grappling with the paradox of being hungry, yet not wanting to actually eat. 

Next, I’ll venture downstairs and find something to uninterestedly consume. This introduces the first of our tips: eat. It’s a great way to get your body moving whilst passing the time and sort of entertaining your mind. Perusing the labels of various snack foods keeps one’s reading skills sharp, while choosing the next snack exercises decision-making. 

While downstairs, I’ll normally say good morning to a parent and then sit in silence with them. I rediscover every mid-day, though, that the rest of the world has work to do. In the presence of this newly rediscovered information, I stand in the kitchen—not quite conscious, not quite zoned out—for anywhere upwards of two minutes.

Then, I’ll snap back to my unfortunate reality by the startling sound of the ice maker refilling or the dog adjusting in her chair. So it’s back upstairs where I’ll stare at my phone for a while. This brings us to tip number two: surf the web. You truly don’t know how far an internet rabbit hole goes until you’ve explored it. Whether YouTube, TikTok, Reddit or another virtual destination is your preferred avenue, go for it. 

I find YouTube to be an exceptionally effective tool for this. Abundant with 90-minute documentaries, videos about the technicalities of rock climbing and raw footage if you dig deep enough, YouTube takes its viewers far into the depths of the internet in record speed. 

This leads us quite well to the next tip: impulse buy. Tip two blends quite naturally into this one, and pros can do them both at once. Amazon can be a great way to purchase something that—though useless—feels extremely necessary. For maximum satisfaction, order your impulse purchase with next-day shipping. This eliminates any wait time that is otherwise spent on less productive occupations, including shopping at a physical store. 

Then, suddenly and without warning, tip four gets the better of me: If I haven’t already fallen victim to a nap, this is when my first one of the day will be. For me, mid-day rests are normally four hours minimum and come with the weirdest of dreams, like a panel-style interview about the craftsmanship of an indie movie, regularly interrupted by first-person shots of a little league soccer game, perhaps. This is a great way to let time pass, whilst not being conscious of it. The day just melts away and you need to be there for none of it.

Next, my mom will likely invite me to dinner with cousins or a trip to Target. Now I implement my final piece of advice: avoid leaving the house at all costs. Though you may long for something to do during the day, be sure to express disinterest at any invitation to attend a family dinner, go shopping (this should only be done online) or any other sort of activity that requires a commute. This should likely not take much effort as you will likely be exhausted from the day’s activities. 

Then, after a long and stressful day, I’ll watch more Netflix or Youtube, find some more to eat and then go to sleep. Then I’ll wake back up again at 4:30 a.m.